woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
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I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
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My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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