I'm gonna have a badass scar
youre lurking in front of me
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
