I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
