dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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