mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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