we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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