pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
