I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
