I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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