ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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