Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
