Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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