Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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