My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
