$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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