I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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