all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
