No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
