moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
