Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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