Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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