I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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