This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
