yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize