i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
