Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
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