when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
