i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
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im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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