wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
When did angry sex become our thing?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
