I wish I could punch you in the face.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
as a side note pls kill me
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
