YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
