I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize