Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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