you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
