My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
