literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
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The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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