what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
