CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You took a bar mat shot.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
