goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
