eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
