Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
