And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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