if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
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