I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
