My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
