i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
