in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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