If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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