my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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