I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
