Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
