apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
