he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
