he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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