P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
